Moses - The Untold Story
Thousands of years ago—long before Christianity was invented—God appeared to a sheppard named Moses at Mount Sinai and asked him to lead His chosen people—the Israelites—out of Egypt where they'd been enslaved by the Pharaoh. While the exact location of Mount Sinai isn’t known with certainty, it’s widely believed to be in the area now known as Manhattan’s Upper East Side—between Fifth and Madison. Moses was presumably chosen because several years prior he displayed great bravery and loyalty by killing an Egyptian guard who was whipping a Hebrew salve. While God clearly had no issue with murder at the time, He later decided it prudent to add a new item to the—then—Nine Commandments.
When He chose Moses to lead this important journey—later to become known as the Exodus—God was apparently unaware that Moses was directionally-challenged and that what should have been a 45 day trek (60 at most) would turn into a 40 year ordeal. This is undisputable proof that God is male. A woman would have replaced Moses as leader after 90 days and never spoken to him again.
According to scripture, God appeared to Moses in the form of a burning bush. Why He chose a burning bush is matter of heated debate in religious circles. Since Moses was the only person to have spoken to God at Mount Sinai that day, many biblical scholars feel Moses was simply shrouding his description of the encounter in symbolism. Shrouding in symbolism was very popular back in those days. In fact, use of symbolism was so common that it was very difficult to get a straight answer out of anyone.
Following God’s wishes, Moses returned to Egypt with his wife and son. Moses’ wife’s name was Zipporah. Moses called her Zippo for short. Thousands of years later, her descendents would settle in Pennsylvania, invent the cigarette lighter and name it in her honor.
Before Moses had a chance to meet with the Pharaoh, God—who was having a particularly bad day—decided to kill him. Zippo, wanting to save Moses’ life, quickly circumcised their son with a sharp stone. Oddly, the mutilation abated God’s wrath and—according to Jewish tradition of seudat brit milah—Moses and Zippo ate smoked salmon and went back to work. Their son took the day off.
Moses met with Pharaoh and did his best to convince the Egyptian leader to free the Israelites. Pharaoh refused and, in retaliation, God inflicted a series of ten plagues on the people of Egypt. The plagues included rivers turning to blood, frogs falling from the sky, fiery hail, locusts and darkness. None of them were very pleasant. Pharaoh stubbornly held his ground until the tenth and final plague—death of firstborn—took the life of a sheep bearing his likeness. Only at that point did Pharaoh capitulate and agree to free the Israelite slaves.
Moses proceeded to lead the Israelites out of Egypt, part the Red Sea and wander the desert aimlessly for forty years. Then one day, God again summoned Moses—presumably in that low, booming God-like voice—to meet him at Mount Sinai. The fact that God liked to conduct his important business on the Upper East Side supports the belief that he was Jewish.
During this second meeting, God gave Moses three engraved stone tablets. Two of these contained the Ten Commandments. The third was a map clearly indicating the way out of the desert. Also, he gave Moses a bicycle. A nice one with a bell. God appreciated Moses' efforts and wanted to make his return down the mountain a little more enjoyable. Also, it was getting close to dinner and God knew Zippo hated it when Moses showed up late without calling first.
As considerate a gift as the bicycle was, it had neither a headlamp nor a basket—accessories that would have been particularly useful to an elderly man carrying three stone tablets downhill in the dark. Add to this the facts that Moses was not exactly athletic and had never ridden a bicycle before. Balancing the tablets on his lap while steering with one hand, Moses rode a mile and a half down the mountain before he careened into a bush. While the bush was thankfully of the non-burning variety, the tablets flew out of his grasp and landed on the ground. Two of them were fine but the one containing the map broke into hundreds of small pieces. Moses yelled “Jesus Christ!” Somewhere in the distance, thunder clapped.
Luckily, Moses was physically unscathed. He gathered the remaining tablets and made his way down the mountain on foot. When he reached base camp, Moses gave a moving speech to the Israelites telling them of his encounter with God, the tablets containing the Ten Commandments and the covenant they represented. He left out the part about the bicycle. When Moses was finished, one of the Israelites—a man named Whyzass who had a reputation as a joker—yelled “Commandments? We’ve been wandering the desert for forty years. You think God would have given you a map.” The Isrealites roared with laughter. Moses faked a smile, under his breath muttered “Whyzass” and retired to his tent with Zippo for dinner and a game of Scrabble.
When He chose Moses to lead this important journey—later to become known as the Exodus—God was apparently unaware that Moses was directionally-challenged and that what should have been a 45 day trek (60 at most) would turn into a 40 year ordeal. This is undisputable proof that God is male. A woman would have replaced Moses as leader after 90 days and never spoken to him again.
According to scripture, God appeared to Moses in the form of a burning bush. Why He chose a burning bush is matter of heated debate in religious circles. Since Moses was the only person to have spoken to God at Mount Sinai that day, many biblical scholars feel Moses was simply shrouding his description of the encounter in symbolism. Shrouding in symbolism was very popular back in those days. In fact, use of symbolism was so common that it was very difficult to get a straight answer out of anyone.
Following God’s wishes, Moses returned to Egypt with his wife and son. Moses’ wife’s name was Zipporah. Moses called her Zippo for short. Thousands of years later, her descendents would settle in Pennsylvania, invent the cigarette lighter and name it in her honor.
Before Moses had a chance to meet with the Pharaoh, God—who was having a particularly bad day—decided to kill him. Zippo, wanting to save Moses’ life, quickly circumcised their son with a sharp stone. Oddly, the mutilation abated God’s wrath and—according to Jewish tradition of seudat brit milah—Moses and Zippo ate smoked salmon and went back to work. Their son took the day off.
Moses met with Pharaoh and did his best to convince the Egyptian leader to free the Israelites. Pharaoh refused and, in retaliation, God inflicted a series of ten plagues on the people of Egypt. The plagues included rivers turning to blood, frogs falling from the sky, fiery hail, locusts and darkness. None of them were very pleasant. Pharaoh stubbornly held his ground until the tenth and final plague—death of firstborn—took the life of a sheep bearing his likeness. Only at that point did Pharaoh capitulate and agree to free the Israelite slaves.
Moses proceeded to lead the Israelites out of Egypt, part the Red Sea and wander the desert aimlessly for forty years. Then one day, God again summoned Moses—presumably in that low, booming God-like voice—to meet him at Mount Sinai. The fact that God liked to conduct his important business on the Upper East Side supports the belief that he was Jewish.
During this second meeting, God gave Moses three engraved stone tablets. Two of these contained the Ten Commandments. The third was a map clearly indicating the way out of the desert. Also, he gave Moses a bicycle. A nice one with a bell. God appreciated Moses' efforts and wanted to make his return down the mountain a little more enjoyable. Also, it was getting close to dinner and God knew Zippo hated it when Moses showed up late without calling first.
As considerate a gift as the bicycle was, it had neither a headlamp nor a basket—accessories that would have been particularly useful to an elderly man carrying three stone tablets downhill in the dark. Add to this the facts that Moses was not exactly athletic and had never ridden a bicycle before. Balancing the tablets on his lap while steering with one hand, Moses rode a mile and a half down the mountain before he careened into a bush. While the bush was thankfully of the non-burning variety, the tablets flew out of his grasp and landed on the ground. Two of them were fine but the one containing the map broke into hundreds of small pieces. Moses yelled “Jesus Christ!” Somewhere in the distance, thunder clapped.
Luckily, Moses was physically unscathed. He gathered the remaining tablets and made his way down the mountain on foot. When he reached base camp, Moses gave a moving speech to the Israelites telling them of his encounter with God, the tablets containing the Ten Commandments and the covenant they represented. He left out the part about the bicycle. When Moses was finished, one of the Israelites—a man named Whyzass who had a reputation as a joker—yelled “Commandments? We’ve been wandering the desert for forty years. You think God would have given you a map.” The Isrealites roared with laughter. Moses faked a smile, under his breath muttered “Whyzass” and retired to his tent with Zippo for dinner and a game of Scrabble.
posted by dp at
4:20 PM
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