The Co-Op

The following is a collection of correspondence between 5th Avenue Astorbilt Co-op Board chair Mrs. Gladys Astorbilt and nouveau riche Internet pornography magnate Lance Guildnipple.

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Dear Mr. Guildnipple,

On behalf of the Astorbilt Co-op Board, I’d like to thank you for interviewing with us on Thursday. We have given your situation due consideration but regret to inform you that we must reject your application at this time.

The Board weighs many factors when considering a new applicant and while your personal net worth is unquestionably adequate, we feel you might be more comfortable in another property where the sensibilities of the residents are more closely aligned with your own. Best of luck.

Sincerely,
Gladys M. Astorbilt

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Dear Mrs. Astorbilt,

Thank you for your exceedingly polite rejection. However, I couldn’t help but notice that your correspondence was postmarked the day before I interviewed with your Board. I was aware that old money families were powerful but the ability to see the future is truly remarkable.

I’ve decided it best not to interpret your note as an out-and-out rejection but rather as incentive to try harder. As such, I’d like you to know that in the past week I’ve made substantial donations to both Mount Sinai and the Metropolitan Museum of Art. Your fellow trustees will confirm both contributions.

It’s my sincere hope that these selfless gestures will justify reconsideration of my application by the Astorbilt Board.

Philanthropically,
Lance Guildnipple

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Mr. Guildnipple,

While generous in quantum, your recent charitable contributions appear to carry conditions that I find offensive. The Mount Sinai “Guildnipple Center for Breast Enhancement”? And your donation to the Met--a permanent collection of phallic art: the “Guildnipple Endowment to Support Endowment”? Honestly, I’m incredulous as to how you expect either donation to be viewed as selfless or philanthropic.

If you believe that such garish public displays of wealth will in any way impact the Board’s acceptance of your application, you are sadly mistaken. I bid you Good Day.

Regards,
Mrs. Astorbilt

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Mrs. Astorbilt,

It’s apparent that you a force to be reckoned with and—in the interest of reckoning—I feel that I must make you aware of certain previously-undisclosed facts.

While you have neglected to mention it in any of our correspondence, I’m confident you’re aware that I’ve earned the bulk of my personal wealth by running Internet businesses of an “adult” nature. However, you should be aware that seed funding for my ventures was provided by none other than your late husband Jacob Cornelius Astorbilt XIII. It seems he had a fetish for older, heavier Caucasian women with lazy eyes and bad hips. We met in a chat room one evening and the rest—as they say—is history.

Armed with this information Mrs. Astorbilt, I’m certain you’ll agree that if your husband were alive today, he’d undoubtedly support my bid to become a member of your exclusive 5th Avenue community. In reconsidering my application, I can only hope that you are as generous with your Board influence as your late husband was with his support of Internet porn.

Sincerely,
Lance

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Lance,

The Astorbilt Co-op Board convened a special meeting last evening to review your application and was overwhelmed by your selfless philanthropy and dedication to family values. I'm happy to inform you that your application was unanimously accepted.

Welcome to the Astorbilt!
Gladys