The New Sins
The Vatican recently announced a new list of “sinful behaviors”. The last time anything this exciting happened was in 1968—close to the end of the sexual revolution—when Pope Paul VI denounced contraception. Catholics previously unfamiliar with the concept were ecstatic to learn they had options and flocked to drug stores and Gynecologists in droves. Catholic populations in developed nations have dropped steadily ever since.
In the old days, keeping track of the rules was much simpler for Catholics. There were only 10, they had a cool name—The Commandments—and they addressed the entire spectrum of sinful behaviors known at the time—murder, theft, false worship, and the like. The original draft of the Commandments included prohibitions against wearing the same pair of socks two days in a row and miming. In the end, both lost out to adultery—which is extremely unfortunate. For a number of reasons.
The 2008 sin list includes drug use, pollution, genetic manipulations and “social and economic injustice”. Admittedly, none of these is terribly outrageous or inappropriate. It is clear, however, that the Vatican is reaching a little—being more generic and arbitrary than they’ve been in the past. This being the case, I submit the following list for their consideration but insist I be given credit—in writing—when the list is published.
- Stepping off an escalator (i.e. top or bottom) and not getting the &* @ out of the way to allow the people behind you to get the &*%@ out of the way of the people behind them.
- Believing that Daylight Savings has any impact on the climate, livestock breeding, the growing season, or the number of daylight hours the planet Earth receives. It doesn’t.
- Panhandling—if you are a smoker, have tattoos or body piercings, own a pet of any genus or species, or are more than 7 ounces overweight.
- Believing “nucular” is a word. Alternately, using said “word” in a sentence.
- Performing the Chicken Dance. Anywhere. At anytime. With anyone.
- Using the words “then” and “than” interchangeably. These are both words. That’s where the similarity ends.
- Saying expresso when you mean espresso. Expresso isn’t a word in any language. I’ve checked.
- Hanging a sign on your establishment claiming it makes “The Best…” pizza, pasta, espresso, cheesecake, deli sandwich, hamburger, hot dog, bagel, breakfast, steak, pad thai, sushi, cosmopolitan, or black and white cookie. Even if your wares are the best in the land—resist the urge.
- Wearing jeans so loose in the waist that either a) your underwear is visible or b) you have to constantly clutch the fabric with one hand keep them from falling to the ground. Belts aren’t expensive. Buying pants that are the right size—even less so.
- Using any form of hip-hop, street or ghetto vernacular (esp. the term “crack ho”) unless you can clearly trace your lineage back to Kunta Kinte.
- Selling fake designer watches, handbags, fragrances, sunglasses or jewelry on the sidewalk in a large urban center.
- Buying fake designer watches, handbags, fragrances, sunglasses or jewelry on the sidewalks in a large urban center.
- Saying you “love sushi” when all you ever order or consume is California Roll.
- Dialing a wrong number, hanging up and immediately hitting the Redial button on your phone.
- New Jersey
Peace be with you.
In the old days, keeping track of the rules was much simpler for Catholics. There were only 10, they had a cool name—The Commandments—and they addressed the entire spectrum of sinful behaviors known at the time—murder, theft, false worship, and the like. The original draft of the Commandments included prohibitions against wearing the same pair of socks two days in a row and miming. In the end, both lost out to adultery—which is extremely unfortunate. For a number of reasons.
The 2008 sin list includes drug use, pollution, genetic manipulations and “social and economic injustice”. Admittedly, none of these is terribly outrageous or inappropriate. It is clear, however, that the Vatican is reaching a little—being more generic and arbitrary than they’ve been in the past. This being the case, I submit the following list for their consideration but insist I be given credit—in writing—when the list is published.
- Stepping off an escalator (i.e. top or bottom) and not getting the &* @ out of the way to allow the people behind you to get the &*%@ out of the way of the people behind them.
- Believing that Daylight Savings has any impact on the climate, livestock breeding, the growing season, or the number of daylight hours the planet Earth receives. It doesn’t.
- Panhandling—if you are a smoker, have tattoos or body piercings, own a pet of any genus or species, or are more than 7 ounces overweight.
- Believing “nucular” is a word. Alternately, using said “word” in a sentence.
- Performing the Chicken Dance. Anywhere. At anytime. With anyone.
- Using the words “then” and “than” interchangeably. These are both words. That’s where the similarity ends.
- Saying expresso when you mean espresso. Expresso isn’t a word in any language. I’ve checked.
- Hanging a sign on your establishment claiming it makes “The Best…” pizza, pasta, espresso, cheesecake, deli sandwich, hamburger, hot dog, bagel, breakfast, steak, pad thai, sushi, cosmopolitan, or black and white cookie. Even if your wares are the best in the land—resist the urge.
- Wearing jeans so loose in the waist that either a) your underwear is visible or b) you have to constantly clutch the fabric with one hand keep them from falling to the ground. Belts aren’t expensive. Buying pants that are the right size—even less so.
- Using any form of hip-hop, street or ghetto vernacular (esp. the term “crack ho”) unless you can clearly trace your lineage back to Kunta Kinte.
- Selling fake designer watches, handbags, fragrances, sunglasses or jewelry on the sidewalk in a large urban center.
- Buying fake designer watches, handbags, fragrances, sunglasses or jewelry on the sidewalks in a large urban center.
- Saying you “love sushi” when all you ever order or consume is California Roll.
- Dialing a wrong number, hanging up and immediately hitting the Redial button on your phone.
- New Jersey
Peace be with you.
posted by dp at
3:00 PM
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